Wednesday 14 October 2009

Pre-vis 3rd edit

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4 comments:

  1. tutorphil25 October 2009 at 04:58

    Dear Dave,

    You must be feeling rather neglected, but for some reason, when you successfully posted your pre-viz, it didn't show up on my blogger dashboard thingy... I hope my comments don't come too late or don't irritate you on account of their timing... I'm just going to say a few things as they occur to me, so there'll be a number of comments after this one.

    Okay - firstly, I still think there is more you could do about Timothy's appearance, as the poem itself spends a lot of time setting it up and it feels odd (like a gap) that the visuals don't track those aspects more closely; for instance, his hair like an exclamation mark - this line comes after your Timothy Winters puts his hat on - which just feels like a continuity error at the moment; likewise, the description of his grubby neck; we may have discussed this before, but is it possible that you start things too soon - as those opening lines just feel to me as they should be inside the house, as he's getting dressed, maybe looking into an old be-smeared mirror, so he is seeing what we're being shown somehow?

    The 'arithematic bird' scene - could he not on his desk have a jumble of working out in messy ink - showing us he's struggling with his maths, and then it gets pushed to one side to reveal the desk? Again, because the poet has gone to great lengths to create a visual here, it just seems odd - like an oversight - when the animation doesn't track it or reference it at least?

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  2. tutorphil25 October 2009 at 05:02

    Me again - I think you need to cut to a fresh scene on the 'he licks his plate clean' - as again, it feels odd that this line should co-exist with the school desk; perhaps you could do a match-cut or dissolve from a view of him at the school desk; the camera moves close to his face as he's studying his school book, and then, when the camera moves back, we see him lift a plate into shot - and so we're back in his kitchen; the line about 'the welfare state' needs referencing too, because it is an opportunity to show his poverty; so it puts him in the kitchen that we then see when the poem introduces the idea of his sleeping in it...

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  3. tutorphil25 October 2009 at 05:06

    bored yet? :-)

    Again - the bloodied feet image; if you tracked the Timothy sleeping on the floor shot from the soles of his feet and along his body to his face, then we could be shown the state of his feet; holey socks, dirty toenails; by starting on his face when the narration is talking about his feet feels like a mistake or, again, like there's a missing scene...

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  4. Alan Postings6 November 2009 at 15:59

    David,

    Its been quite a while since you updated your blog? Wheres the new stuff?

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